So I was over at Drugstore.com. Drugstore.com has quietly become one of the largest purveyors of vibrators and dildos, under the rubric of “sexual well-being,” cause, you know sexual pleasure goes in the NSFW porn ghetto, but “sexual well-being”, well, that sounds like it’s doctor-approved. The ghost of Anthony Comstock casts a long shadow still.
Anyway.
I was over at at Drugstore.com to see what if any “sexual well-being” videos they carry, ’cause the hand writing is on the wall. Times they are a’changing and it’s change with the times or else.
Not too surprisingly, the DVDs that Drugstore.com carries are all from the Sinclair Intimacy Institute, which is just another name for Adam & Eve, but it sounds a lot classier, and a lot more medical. (Stay tuned for the Comstock Center for the Study of Sexuality and Cinema, dot org, natch.)
Anyway while I was there I noticed Berman Center Intimate Accessories . This caught my eye because Dr. Laura Berman is the author of last year’s Real Sex for Real Women, which Google continues to give lovely rankings on [real sex] while poor old Comstockfilms.com is somewhere around page 50. Yeah, you’ve heard me complain about enough already. Boo friggin hoo.
Anyway, I clicked on the Berman Center Intimate Accessories on Drugstore.com, and fuck me three ways to Sunday, everything is purple! Purple like fucking Barney the Dinosaur! Maybe I’ve been around my wife and her particular brand of feminism for too long, and I’m overly sensitive, but purple?!? PEH FRIGGIN LEEZE. Making a dildo purple doesn’t make it “for women” any more than giving a hammer or a razor a pink handle makes it “for women.”
And not only are all of the Berman Center Intimate Accessories purple, but they’re all underscored with the familiar Doc Johnson/California Exotics novelty disclaimer:
This product is intended for use as a novelty product only. Any product use for medical purpose or for a use that has an adverse effect on any function of the body is prohibited.
That’s right. As far as California Exotic Novelties, makers of the Berman Center Intimate Accessories Collection is concerned, the items in question are gag gifts; intended to elicit laughter at bridal showers and nothing more. But you have to scroll down to get the novelty disclaimer. If you don’t scroll down you’d get the “designed by a woman for women” line:
The Berman Center Intimate Accessories Collection was designed by women for women to give you and your partner exactly what you need to optimize your sex life. I, along with my team of clinicians, have worked with thousands of women through the years and we’ve listened to what they want and need. This line is designed around that feedback and is focused on what works for women. Pleasing and ergonomic designs discreet packaging, quiet devices, and clear instructions for use are all hallmarks of the Berman Center Intimate Accessories. Each item in the line is designed for a different sexual challenge or set of sexual health goals. Whether you’ve never had an orgasm, want to strengthen your pelvic floor or you want to spice things up with your partner, there is an Intimate Accessory that is perfect for you.
A recent research study conducted by the Berman Center demonstrated that women who use vibrators experience greater levels of sexual satisfaction and express overall higher quality of life. Exploring your own body is a key first step in empowering yourself to maintain and improve your sexual life. Use the intimate Accessories alone or share with your partner. We have included instructions and diagrams to show you how to use these products in ways that have been the most successful for other women. We hope you and your partner enjoy using them as much as we enjoyed creating them.
Laura Berman
I’m not going to get into the language. If you’re a long-time reader you how I feel. I’ve got my way of talking about sex, and Laura’s her way, and which one of us has their own “sensual wellness” center?
But I’m afraid I have to call out the actual facts of the text as BS. These aren’t bespoke “by women for women sex toys.” These are the exact same toys, the same materials and the same designs you can see at a hundred other sex toy websites — in purple and a bunch of other post-iMac colors; which I guess means the only thing that is design to give women “just what they want” is the color choice — purple. (Let’s not, for the time being, get into the fact that Laura didn’t get the memo about jelly plastic toys and phthalates.)
So why purple?
Well for that we have to go over to LauraBerman.com, and what do you know. The site’s all purple! Now follow the link to the Berman Passion prescription section of MyPleasure.com, and look, 35 sextoys, especially chosen for … their purpleness!
Okay, look. I understand the importance of branding. Laura Berman is the purple sex doctor (well actually she’s not an MD doctor, she’s a Ph.D doctor, but she’s a professor at a respected medical school, so we’ll give her a pass on the Dr. and the lab coat.)
But I just can’t help thinking when I see that LauraBerman.com is run by Waterfront Media that maybe the sex toys selected to be a part of the Berman Center Intimate Accessories collection were choose by an art direction minded intern, rather than by someone who has any real expertise in sex toys.
When I see that the toys selected are just purple versions of the same toys you’ll see at a 100 other discount sex toy websites, I can’t help thinking that the “designed around the feedback from thousands of women” verbiage that’s signed “Laura Berman” was in fact written by a junior-level copy hack.
And when I see the CalExotic’s boilerplate disclaimer on the “Berman Collection” products over at Drugstore.com, I know I’m right.
Now fair is fair. I haven’t read any of Laura’s books. They’re well reviewed, and probably hit just the right tone for some people. And probably purple hits just the right tone too. It’s certainly a whole hell of a lot better than the cadaverous fake dicks you can (also) find on the California Exotics Novelties website.
But come on Laura, I’ve take the online tour of the Berman Center, and it just doesn’t look like the sort of place I’d expect would be hawking CalExotic purple jelly phthalates crap. There are some really beautifully made sex toys out there, made by people who take making dildos and vibrators as seriously as you take your social work practice.
Don’t you owe it to your clients and to yourself to become familiar with companies like Vixen Creations, or Njoy, or Tantus, or Fun Factory? These companies create toys in wonderfully cunning shapes and beautiful to look at designs; they use first-rate materials and the pleasure instruments ™ made by these companies are impeccably crafted, and can be expected to for last years, if not a lifetime. And yes, some of these “intimate accessories” are even designed by women. And yes, some of them even come in purple!
So come on, Laura. You’re all about “real sex for real women”? How about some real sex toys too!
